OK, some people think my wife and I are nuts for moving from Montana to Arizona in the middle of the summer. Of course, they're right. Nobody in their right mind would do it. Which is precisely why we did it!
Montana and Arizona are similar with regards to temperature extremes. I never thought you could freeze to death during baseball season, but we nearly did- not once, but twice! Last fall and this spring's baseball seasons in Montana were characterized by brutal cold winds, punctuated with snow. How my son and his teamates survived the frigid game time temps were a testimony of their love of the game.
Fast forward 3 months and here we are in Phoenix with its unrelenting heat. Baseball season will soon be upon us, and I'm guessing we'll be sitting in the bleachers broiling like a hot dog on a spit. Oh well, the past year has been quite an adventure. Definitely not the way I had planned it, but like the old saying goes, "If you want to know whether God has a sense of humor, just tell him what your plans are!"
God, in case you're watching, I'm just kidding.....oh yeah, if you could please tell St. Joseph to get off his LazyBoy and get our house in Montana sold, we'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Take Me Out to the Landfill
The other day I had to haul some junk to the local landfill. As I drove the truck over the twisting, winding roads leading to the dump, I started pondering. Who started the dump and why did they pick that spot to dump stuff. Did ancient Indian tribes use the same spot to dump their unwanted belongings? If so, I bet the dump was a heckuva lot smaller than the one I was about to use.
As I got closer and closer to the dump, I noticed the amount of litter, trash, and junk increasing on either side of the road. Why was the junk there, I wondered? Did people make it that far and decide what the heck, that's close enough, I'll just dump my stuff here? Or did they suddenly realize that they might've left the stove on back home and in their panicked rush to check on it, they just jettisoned their old Frigidaire and electric wire-spool-turned coffee table off the truck right then and there? Who can say?
Then I noticed that every few hundred yards, there were big hay bales sitting on the ground with iron spikes driven through them. Crucifixion, I thought. What a horrible way to die, even for a hay bale. I wondered what the hay had done to deserve such a fate or if they were unjustly punished. Later someone told me the hay was for foraging critters, to help keep them away from the landfill area. I guess that makes more sense than my crucifixion theory.
When I finally got to the dump, I had to stop at the little office near the entrance. The guy inside told me in which area to dump my stuff. I thought it was ironic that the dump is partitioned into separate dump areas. Does it really matter where I dump this stuff, I thought? I also wondered how long the guy in the office had worked there and why the heck anyone would want to work there. I wondered if you have to send a resume in for that job. Maybe he's auditioning for the TV show "Dirty Jobs."
At any rate, while I was unloading the truck, I was able to throw my junk into this huge metal dumpster that was the size of a house. It was kind of fun really, because I could throw the stuff as hard as I wanted without fear or care that I was breaking it. After all, it was junk. It was kind of cool listening to the loud banging crash as the junk clanged into the metal bin. It sounded a bit like The Ramones.
The other thing I noticed is that the dump is strictly man's territory. I didn't see one woman there anywhere. When you think about it, I guess it makes sense. Men, as hunters, need their hands free to throw a spear or drag a carcass across the frozen tundra. Carrying around a broken table or an old washing machine would just slow you down. So naturally, men are going to throw stuff away. Women, on the other hand, are mostly gatherers. That means you'll see them at thrift stores, but not at the dump. They're collecting stuff us men are trying to get rid of.
All in all, it was an interesting afternoon, however, I would've much preferred the couch, a bag of potato chips and a ball game.
As I got closer and closer to the dump, I noticed the amount of litter, trash, and junk increasing on either side of the road. Why was the junk there, I wondered? Did people make it that far and decide what the heck, that's close enough, I'll just dump my stuff here? Or did they suddenly realize that they might've left the stove on back home and in their panicked rush to check on it, they just jettisoned their old Frigidaire and electric wire-spool-turned coffee table off the truck right then and there? Who can say?
Then I noticed that every few hundred yards, there were big hay bales sitting on the ground with iron spikes driven through them. Crucifixion, I thought. What a horrible way to die, even for a hay bale. I wondered what the hay had done to deserve such a fate or if they were unjustly punished. Later someone told me the hay was for foraging critters, to help keep them away from the landfill area. I guess that makes more sense than my crucifixion theory.
When I finally got to the dump, I had to stop at the little office near the entrance. The guy inside told me in which area to dump my stuff. I thought it was ironic that the dump is partitioned into separate dump areas. Does it really matter where I dump this stuff, I thought? I also wondered how long the guy in the office had worked there and why the heck anyone would want to work there. I wondered if you have to send a resume in for that job. Maybe he's auditioning for the TV show "Dirty Jobs."
At any rate, while I was unloading the truck, I was able to throw my junk into this huge metal dumpster that was the size of a house. It was kind of fun really, because I could throw the stuff as hard as I wanted without fear or care that I was breaking it. After all, it was junk. It was kind of cool listening to the loud banging crash as the junk clanged into the metal bin. It sounded a bit like The Ramones.
The other thing I noticed is that the dump is strictly man's territory. I didn't see one woman there anywhere. When you think about it, I guess it makes sense. Men, as hunters, need their hands free to throw a spear or drag a carcass across the frozen tundra. Carrying around a broken table or an old washing machine would just slow you down. So naturally, men are going to throw stuff away. Women, on the other hand, are mostly gatherers. That means you'll see them at thrift stores, but not at the dump. They're collecting stuff us men are trying to get rid of.
All in all, it was an interesting afternoon, however, I would've much preferred the couch, a bag of potato chips and a ball game.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Butt Me No Butts
The other day I was driving down the road and as I slowed to a stop, the car in front of me stopped. The driver then proceeded to roll down his window, took one last hit off his cancer stick, and ejected the still smoldering cigarette butt onto the pavement.
By this time, I was smoldering as well. It's not bad enough that we're bombarded with cigarette filth in front of stores, outside restaurants, and even in the great outdoors, but to see people blatantly disregarding the law and violating our environment at the same time makes me want to puke. No one does thing about it.
And when irresponsible smokers jettison their spent cigs along highways, the end result is too often catastrophic wildfires that cost millions of dollars in property loss, destroyed natural resources and sometimes lives. What a tragedy! All because smokers are too lazy or thoughtless to use the ashtray in their vehicles.
I'm proposing the increase of smoker littering to $5,000. We can use already installed red light cameras to help nab the offenders. Or maybe something a little more unconventional would work. How about this? What if we can pay school kids to use their cell phone cameras to catch littering smokers! Wouldn't it be something to have thousands of little private detectives helping to rid our society of this phenomenon?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
By this time, I was smoldering as well. It's not bad enough that we're bombarded with cigarette filth in front of stores, outside restaurants, and even in the great outdoors, but to see people blatantly disregarding the law and violating our environment at the same time makes me want to puke. No one does thing about it.
And when irresponsible smokers jettison their spent cigs along highways, the end result is too often catastrophic wildfires that cost millions of dollars in property loss, destroyed natural resources and sometimes lives. What a tragedy! All because smokers are too lazy or thoughtless to use the ashtray in their vehicles.
I'm proposing the increase of smoker littering to $5,000. We can use already installed red light cameras to help nab the offenders. Or maybe something a little more unconventional would work. How about this? What if we can pay school kids to use their cell phone cameras to catch littering smokers! Wouldn't it be something to have thousands of little private detectives helping to rid our society of this phenomenon?
Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Declare the Pennies on Your Eyes
Yes, here we are again on the eve of Tax day. Tonight, when all good taxpayers are asleep, the Tax man and all his little auditors will fly around the country, taking from the rich and giving to the poo....er, well not the poor, they'll actually give it to the government, who in turn will spend it wastefully.
The answer of course is a flat tax, but there are so many CPAs, lawyuhs, and interest groups opposed to it, that we'll probably never see it. In case your lower instestines weren't already knotted up after preparing your taxes, here's something else to digest:
The answer of course is a flat tax, but there are so many CPAs, lawyuhs, and interest groups opposed to it, that we'll probably never see it. In case your lower instestines weren't already knotted up after preparing your taxes, here's something else to digest:
12,000 = The number of additional IRS employees needed to answer phone inquiries from confused taxpayers during tax filing season. Because taxpayers will have nothing to file under a national retail sales tax, additional personnel will not be needed.
62,000,000 = The number of lines of computer code required by the IRS to manage the current tax code. A national retail sales tax will ease the IRS's ongoing computer problems dramatically.
1,420 = The number of appraisals of works of art that an IRS panel performed in order to tax the assets of dead people. Because double taxation under a national retail sales tax does not exist, the absurdity of having the IRS value art would disappear with the death (estate) tax.
1,000,000,000 = The number of 1099 forms sent out each year to help the IRS track taxpayers' interest and dividend income. Under a national retail sales tax, this requirement will be eliminated.
I'm not making this stuff up, folks. Check these facts out and more at this website:
http://www.scrapthecode.com/
Just another reminder: Walgreen's is open 24 hours if you need to buy a bottle of Maalox! Drink a toast to the IRS!!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Gastric Banding- the Next Wave of Elective Surgeries
As if we didn't have enough elective surgery being done in this country, what with all the nose jobs, boob jobs, and every other type of job, here's the next medical wave ready to hit us: gastric banding- a surgical process in which the victim's, er....I mean patient's upper stomach is retrofitted with a silicon band to limit food intake. Think of it as an internal corset.
The Wall Street Journal reports that companies like Johnson & Johnson and Allergan, Inc. are gearing up their marketing machines to reach out to all of the coach potatoes out there who want to lose a lot of weight. They see a vast market out there in TV land and want to exploit the fact that we're a nation of obese do-nothings.
My message to those people who are considering gastric banding- TiVo "The Biggest Loser" and watch it faithfully every week, start exercising on a regular basis, and stop jamming bags of Doritos into your face! Remember, gastric banding is still major surgery and can cost from $15,000-$40,ooo and few insurance companies cover this surgery. You need a lifestyle change, not a drive-thru solution to your problem.
Sure, gastric banding is probably the easier and quicker solution, but what does that say about us as a culture? The demand for a process like this should be so small that the Johnson and Johnson's of the world wouldn't even consider wasting valuable marketing dollars on mega marketing campaigns that would reach such a limited audience. Instead, we reach for the quick fix, just like we reach for the next slice of pepperoni.
Americans complain and gripe about health care costs, but spend billions of dollars on surgeries that would've been prevented with proper diet and exercise. We complain about high gas prices too, but most of us are too lazy to walk down the block on an errand. We could fatten our wallets at the same time we downsize our backsides. But no!
The media spouts on and on about the obesity epidemic but obsesity is merely a symptom, not the cause. Our real epidemic is laziness. I wonder if Johnson & Johnson has a pill for that?
The Wall Street Journal reports that companies like Johnson & Johnson and Allergan, Inc. are gearing up their marketing machines to reach out to all of the coach potatoes out there who want to lose a lot of weight. They see a vast market out there in TV land and want to exploit the fact that we're a nation of obese do-nothings.
My message to those people who are considering gastric banding- TiVo "The Biggest Loser" and watch it faithfully every week, start exercising on a regular basis, and stop jamming bags of Doritos into your face! Remember, gastric banding is still major surgery and can cost from $15,000-$40,ooo and few insurance companies cover this surgery. You need a lifestyle change, not a drive-thru solution to your problem.
Sure, gastric banding is probably the easier and quicker solution, but what does that say about us as a culture? The demand for a process like this should be so small that the Johnson and Johnson's of the world wouldn't even consider wasting valuable marketing dollars on mega marketing campaigns that would reach such a limited audience. Instead, we reach for the quick fix, just like we reach for the next slice of pepperoni.
Americans complain and gripe about health care costs, but spend billions of dollars on surgeries that would've been prevented with proper diet and exercise. We complain about high gas prices too, but most of us are too lazy to walk down the block on an errand. We could fatten our wallets at the same time we downsize our backsides. But no!
The media spouts on and on about the obesity epidemic but obsesity is merely a symptom, not the cause. Our real epidemic is laziness. I wonder if Johnson & Johnson has a pill for that?
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Billions, Schmillions, ...It's March Madness!
I saw an estimate the other day that March Madness, the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, will cost U.S. employers an estimated $3.8 billion in lost productivity. I'm sure there was some beauracratic dweeb economist sitting in his office overlooking the Potomac busily calculating that estimate. Scratch that. Given the size of our government, there was probably a team of dweeb economists sitting in meeting rooms across Washington, D.C. crunching those numbers.
Once they all agreed on the magic number and the report went to the top dog, I'm sure a call went to The White House, where the red phone rang in the Oval Office. The call might've gone something like this:
Bush's secretary: "Mr. President- The head of the GAO is on the line for you, sir!"
Dubbya: "The head of what? GAO? That doesn't have anything to do with gays, does it?"
"Uh, no sir. That's the head of the Government Accounting Office."
"Well, what does he want? I'm busy. Two more levels and I'll be a Pokemon trainer!"
"Yes. Um, that's great, sir, but he says it's important. He says March Madness is going to cost U.S. employers over $3.8 billion this year. He really wants to talk to you."
"March Madness, huh? I really like it, especially that Bryant Gumbel. He's my favorite announcer."
"Sir, do you mean Greg Gumbel? Byrant is his brother."
"Oh, yeah right. And I like that other guy too....what's his name?"
"Clark Kellogg?"
"Yeah, that's it. Kellogg. Reminds me of Frosted Flakes. That Tony Tiger's a real pistol. Kinda reminds me of myself."
"Yessir. Did you want to speak to the head of the GAO? He's still holding, sir...."
"Who?"
"Never mind, sir. I'll tell him you'll call back later."
Once they all agreed on the magic number and the report went to the top dog, I'm sure a call went to The White House, where the red phone rang in the Oval Office. The call might've gone something like this:
Bush's secretary: "Mr. President- The head of the GAO is on the line for you, sir!"
Dubbya: "The head of what? GAO? That doesn't have anything to do with gays, does it?"
"Uh, no sir. That's the head of the Government Accounting Office."
"Well, what does he want? I'm busy. Two more levels and I'll be a Pokemon trainer!"
"Yes. Um, that's great, sir, but he says it's important. He says March Madness is going to cost U.S. employers over $3.8 billion this year. He really wants to talk to you."
"March Madness, huh? I really like it, especially that Bryant Gumbel. He's my favorite announcer."
"Sir, do you mean Greg Gumbel? Byrant is his brother."
"Oh, yeah right. And I like that other guy too....what's his name?"
"Clark Kellogg?"
"Yeah, that's it. Kellogg. Reminds me of Frosted Flakes. That Tony Tiger's a real pistol. Kinda reminds me of myself."
"Yessir. Did you want to speak to the head of the GAO? He's still holding, sir...."
"Who?"
"Never mind, sir. I'll tell him you'll call back later."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Jesus and $4.99 Raspberries
My wife and I were sitting in church the other day when the pastor admonished the husbands in the congregation to treat their wives like, "Jesus treats his church." Like most church goers, as I stepped through the doorway on the way out of church, I wasn't thinking about his sermon choosing instead to focus on the laundry list of to-dos I had to accomplish that day.
But the next morning, I remembered the pastor's words (and people claim there are no miracles!) while I was at the grocery store. I thought it would be good to get some nice, fresh fruits and vegetables for my wife. As a side note- I don't know about other wives, but my wife always uses the word "nice" when she wants me to get something at the store. She'll say, "see if they have any nice steaks" or "see if they have any nice specials." I'm not exactly sure what a mean or angry steak would look like, but I think I'd know it if I saw it.
At any rate, here I was at the store thinking about treating my wife like Jesus treats his church. Then I started looking at the prices. For those of you who don't do the regular grocery shopping, I gotta tell you I was shocked. A small package of pork chops was almost $9.00! Zucchini was $2.99 a pound! Milk was nearly $5.00 a gallon. And what I really wanted to get my wife- "nice" fresh raspberries, were $4.99 for a small container not much bigger than a postage stamp.
You know, I hope my wife really enjoys those raspberries. I really do. But I can't help but wonder if Jesus has done any grocery shopping for the church lately.
But the next morning, I remembered the pastor's words (and people claim there are no miracles!) while I was at the grocery store. I thought it would be good to get some nice, fresh fruits and vegetables for my wife. As a side note- I don't know about other wives, but my wife always uses the word "nice" when she wants me to get something at the store. She'll say, "see if they have any nice steaks" or "see if they have any nice specials." I'm not exactly sure what a mean or angry steak would look like, but I think I'd know it if I saw it.
At any rate, here I was at the store thinking about treating my wife like Jesus treats his church. Then I started looking at the prices. For those of you who don't do the regular grocery shopping, I gotta tell you I was shocked. A small package of pork chops was almost $9.00! Zucchini was $2.99 a pound! Milk was nearly $5.00 a gallon. And what I really wanted to get my wife- "nice" fresh raspberries, were $4.99 for a small container not much bigger than a postage stamp.
You know, I hope my wife really enjoys those raspberries. I really do. But I can't help but wonder if Jesus has done any grocery shopping for the church lately.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Reflecting on Wearing Eyeglasses
After stumbling around the planet for nearly fifty years, I've finally succumbed to Mother Nature's cruelty. I'm now wearing eyeglasses. For those of you who have worn glasses for many years, this is probably no big deal. You put on your glasses in the same way you put on your shoes- with hardly a thought.
For me, however, it's a strange new world. I've been walking around with them for about two weeks now and I've discovered (literally) a few things. Among them:
For me, however, it's a strange new world. I've been walking around with them for about two weeks now and I've discovered (literally) a few things. Among them:
- Everything is now crystal clear. I had become so used to living with impaired eyesight that I didn't even know how bad my eyes were. I used to complain about how bad the picture was on our TV. Turns out, it was my eyes. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the Mitsubishi Corporation for all the rotten things I said about their fine product. So sorry, honorable electronics giant!
- It's even more abundantly clear that I should listen to my wife. She's been telling me for years that I needed glasses. Me so sorry, honorable spouse!
- I don't know if there's any relation between hearing and vision, but I swear to God, my hearing seems to have improved, but you'd have to verify that with my wife. She'd probably tell you that anything would be an improvement.
- I can't tell you how many people say I look smarter with glasses. I'm not quite sure how to take this. When my kids said it, I thought it was cute, but I've had several people at work tell me the same thing. Did they think I was a total dolt before? Maybe I was and the glasses did make me smarter. Had I known about this phenomenon years ago, I would've donned glasses just for the IQ effect. Maybe I could've gone to Harvard. Alas.......
- Finally, you should be happy that as a fellow motorist, I can now actually see other cars on the road. I hope the end result of this whole deal is that the world is now a safer place and that all of you see a reduction in your insurance premiums.
Here's looking at you, kid! ;-)
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Harvest the Day Lady Thunderbolts!
I wanted to take the opportunity to thank you for the enjoyment you've given me during this basketball season. I log on to the Internet faithfully after every one of your games to read about them. Win or lose, it's been fun to watch your progress although I wish I could see you play in person.
As you prepare for districts and the state tournament I'd like to share a few thoughts and words of encouragement. First, you may be familiar with the phrase, "carpe diem" which loosely translated from Latin means "seize the day." This phrase was made popular in the late '80s when big-hair bands ruled, computers were used only by geeks that wore plastic pocket protectors, and Bush 41 was President. What you may not know is that a more accurate translation of carpe diem means to harvest the day. "Why should any of that matter to me" you may ask? Fair enough question.
Seizing is a far different concept than harvesting. Seizing means taking something, which may or may not belong to you, by force. Harvesting, by contrast, is the act or process of gathering a crop and implies that the fruits of labor have been earned.
Being Nebraskans, you can appreciate the fact that farmers don't plant seeds one day expecting to "seize" a harvest the next. They know there are many months of preparation, hard work, sweat, and even a little luck needed before any gain is realized. Even then there's no guarantee of a harvest. A flood or hailstorm could quickly erase all of their efforts, but the farmer knows that despite this fact, no harvest can be gained without the toil. The same holds true for your team. While you've put in the work knowing there's no guarantee of a harvest, you know in your hearts that victory is earned and not seized.
As you prepare for districts and the state tournament I'd like to share a few thoughts and words of encouragement. First, you may be familiar with the phrase, "carpe diem" which loosely translated from Latin means "seize the day." This phrase was made popular in the late '80s when big-hair bands ruled, computers were used only by geeks that wore plastic pocket protectors, and Bush 41 was President. What you may not know is that a more accurate translation of carpe diem means to harvest the day. "Why should any of that matter to me" you may ask? Fair enough question.
Seizing is a far different concept than harvesting. Seizing means taking something, which may or may not belong to you, by force. Harvesting, by contrast, is the act or process of gathering a crop and implies that the fruits of labor have been earned.
Being Nebraskans, you can appreciate the fact that farmers don't plant seeds one day expecting to "seize" a harvest the next. They know there are many months of preparation, hard work, sweat, and even a little luck needed before any gain is realized. Even then there's no guarantee of a harvest. A flood or hailstorm could quickly erase all of their efforts, but the farmer knows that despite this fact, no harvest can be gained without the toil. The same holds true for your team. While you've put in the work knowing there's no guarantee of a harvest, you know in your hearts that victory is earned and not seized.
Recognize that all the weeks and months of preparation has brought you to this moment. All of the drills and punishing workouts, all of the sacrifices you've made to be a part of this team, are now ready to be harvested. Encourage each other and yourselves to cherish each moment as it comes.
Your ultimate success, your self-esteem, and your fulfillment will not be measured in wins and losses, but by your hard work, your dedication and desire, your commitment to each other, and your ability to live in the moment. Best of luck to you, have fun and harvest the day!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Knuckledraggers, Valentine's Day is Upon Us!
As a proud member of the male gender of the species Homo barbarius, I stand along with my barbarian brethren, and peer into the swirling abyss known as Valentine's Day. It's a date that causes even the bravest warrior to cower in fear. The female members of the species, Lovitus breakskullious, plot and plan for days, weeks and even months, preparing for Valentine's Day. They spend many hours dreaming how their beloved barbarian will shower them with gifts from far away places like Godivia and Zalestonia.
To be completely honest, we barbarians see no reason other than survival to recognize Valentine's Day. It certainly doesn't rank up there with truly revered days like Superbowl Sunday, the first day of the hunting or baseball seasons, or the NFL draft. However, even though our species is a loutish, knuckle-dragging sort, we're not completely stupid. We recognize that forgetting Valentine's Day is tantamount to sticking your head in a lion's mouth. We know that would hurt- a lot!
Thankfully, skilled merchants like Victoria's Secret, Pajamagram, Vermont Teddy Bears, and others, have created gift buying solutions that are so easy for us brutish warriors to execute that we barely have to lift a finger. Plus, it's a heckuva lot easier than dragging a Mastodon carcass halfway across a dry lake bed! Now that's work!
So, this message today is addressed to my fellow mouth-breathers: Fear not! There are many who would help you with your Valentine's Day gift. They can even make the card for you and say all kinds of things that no barbarian would ever say aloud. Heck, they'll even sign it for you- all you have to do is part with a few dollars (breakskullious uses the Benjamin as a benchmark- remember that!)
For those of you barbarians who are loath to part with your money, consider the following: breakskullians did not get their name by accident! Be forewarned.
To be completely honest, we barbarians see no reason other than survival to recognize Valentine's Day. It certainly doesn't rank up there with truly revered days like Superbowl Sunday, the first day of the hunting or baseball seasons, or the NFL draft. However, even though our species is a loutish, knuckle-dragging sort, we're not completely stupid. We recognize that forgetting Valentine's Day is tantamount to sticking your head in a lion's mouth. We know that would hurt- a lot!
Thankfully, skilled merchants like Victoria's Secret, Pajamagram, Vermont Teddy Bears, and others, have created gift buying solutions that are so easy for us brutish warriors to execute that we barely have to lift a finger. Plus, it's a heckuva lot easier than dragging a Mastodon carcass halfway across a dry lake bed! Now that's work!
So, this message today is addressed to my fellow mouth-breathers: Fear not! There are many who would help you with your Valentine's Day gift. They can even make the card for you and say all kinds of things that no barbarian would ever say aloud. Heck, they'll even sign it for you- all you have to do is part with a few dollars (breakskullious uses the Benjamin as a benchmark- remember that!)
For those of you barbarians who are loath to part with your money, consider the following: breakskullians did not get their name by accident! Be forewarned.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Dubbya and Quayle
Since it is Dan Quayle's birthday (Feb.4th) let's pause for a moment and celebrate; and while we're at it, let's give thanks that Bush 41 didn't die while in office. Here are some classic Dan Quayle-isms to remember:
Dan on decision making-
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
Dan on the future-
"The future will be better tomorrow. "
Dan on the human mind-
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
Dan on democracy-
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
Can you imagine having someone that inarticulate running the country? Can you imagine a leader that has no grasp of grammatical construction?
Listening to George Bush speak supports the hypothesis that we're now living in some bizarre parallel universe where Dan Quayle has morphed into the super elocutionist Bush43. Here are some classic quotes from GW to propagate that theory:
Dubbya on Social Security-
"For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled." --explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005
Dan on decision making-
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
Dan on the future-
"The future will be better tomorrow. "
Dan on the human mind-
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
Dan on democracy-
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
Can you imagine having someone that inarticulate running the country? Can you imagine a leader that has no grasp of grammatical construction?
Listening to George Bush speak supports the hypothesis that we're now living in some bizarre parallel universe where Dan Quayle has morphed into the super elocutionist Bush43. Here are some classic quotes from GW to propagate that theory:
Dubbya on Social Security-
"For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled." --explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005
Dubbya on Leadership-
"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005
Dubbya on Negotiating-
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be -- hold hands." --George W. Bush, on how he can contribute to the Middle East peace process, Washington, D.C., Jan. 4, 2008
Dubbya on military victory-
"I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military." --George W. Bush, on the need for political progress in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Oct. 17, 2007
Dubby on Economic development-
"You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket -- in this case, a woman more money in her pocket to expand a business, it -- they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded it prevented additional opportunities for people to work." --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007
Scary isn't it? Makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck, doesn't it? Somehow we must find the portal back to our own reality.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Survivor: Super Tuesday!
We're one week away from Super Tuesday and I can't help but notice the similarity between this year's presidential campaign and the T.V. show "Survivor." On the T.V. show, contestants are split into two teams with the combatants attacking not only their opponents, but their teammates as well. Gee, does this sound like the Democrat and Republican tribes? Romney vs McCain, Hillary vs Obama, everybody vs Hillary, John Edwards vs Exxon Mobil....etc.
On the T.V. show, "Survivor" contestants form alliances, break promises, back-stab, bend the truth, scream, scold, and occasionally shed tears. Sounds a little like the primaries, huh?
It's amusing to watch Bill Clinton as he keeps trying to insert his...um...persona into the Democratic race. On second thought, scratch the last sentence. The careful writer should never combine the word "insert" with the name Bill Clinton, unless it's absolutely necessary. What I should've said is that Bill Clinton keeps trying to influence (there, that's the word I was looking for) the race by slamming Obama, but getting unintended results. Obviously Bill doesn't watch "Survivor" enough to know that tactic rarely works. Maybe Hillary should TiVo it for him.
Every season, "Survivor" boasts at least one contestant who's like the Energizer bunny-constantly on the go, fighting with great tenacity to win every contest....sound like McCain? Six months ago, he was left for dead by pollsters, the media moguls, and the Republican machine. Now look at him! I think his 95-year-old mother feeds him a Geritol, a glass of Carnation Instant breakfast, and a Viagra pill and kicks him out the door every morning to campaign, calling after him, "Sonny boy, make sure you wear a hat, don't talk to any strangers and be home in time for dinner!"
And I'm sorry, but I have to take one more pot-shot at Hillary. Didn't it appear she thought she had political "immunity" for the past 18 months? Did she think the Democratic nomination was more like her coronation or a debutante ball with cellulite? Just like the T.V. show, you can have immunity one moment and, "Poof!" it's gone! Sorry, Hillary.
As with both contests, it's easy to tell who wants it the most. On "Survivor" contestants usually have to do something really difficult or really disgusting, or both, or risk elimination. Those who perform poorly are often eliminated. Similarly, look at the political candidates who didn't go "all in" with either money or effort, i.e. Tancreado, Thompson, Kucinich, and notice their demise. The winner will be the one most willing to pull hair, perform groin kicks, and gouge eyes. And in that regard, Hillary may have the edge, but don't count out McCain. He's seen enough of the real thing to last several lifetimes.
But the biggest difference between the reality of the presidential race and the made-for- T.V. reality show is how the eventual winner is picked. On "Survivor" contestants decide who wins. What if the presidential race was determined the same way? Who would the winner be? Who would the candidates pick to be Commander-in-Chief? That would be interesting indeed....
On the T.V. show, "Survivor" contestants form alliances, break promises, back-stab, bend the truth, scream, scold, and occasionally shed tears. Sounds a little like the primaries, huh?
It's amusing to watch Bill Clinton as he keeps trying to insert his...um...persona into the Democratic race. On second thought, scratch the last sentence. The careful writer should never combine the word "insert" with the name Bill Clinton, unless it's absolutely necessary. What I should've said is that Bill Clinton keeps trying to influence (there, that's the word I was looking for) the race by slamming Obama, but getting unintended results. Obviously Bill doesn't watch "Survivor" enough to know that tactic rarely works. Maybe Hillary should TiVo it for him.
Every season, "Survivor" boasts at least one contestant who's like the Energizer bunny-constantly on the go, fighting with great tenacity to win every contest....sound like McCain? Six months ago, he was left for dead by pollsters, the media moguls, and the Republican machine. Now look at him! I think his 95-year-old mother feeds him a Geritol, a glass of Carnation Instant breakfast, and a Viagra pill and kicks him out the door every morning to campaign, calling after him, "Sonny boy, make sure you wear a hat, don't talk to any strangers and be home in time for dinner!"
And I'm sorry, but I have to take one more pot-shot at Hillary. Didn't it appear she thought she had political "immunity" for the past 18 months? Did she think the Democratic nomination was more like her coronation or a debutante ball with cellulite? Just like the T.V. show, you can have immunity one moment and, "Poof!" it's gone! Sorry, Hillary.
As with both contests, it's easy to tell who wants it the most. On "Survivor" contestants usually have to do something really difficult or really disgusting, or both, or risk elimination. Those who perform poorly are often eliminated. Similarly, look at the political candidates who didn't go "all in" with either money or effort, i.e. Tancreado, Thompson, Kucinich, and notice their demise. The winner will be the one most willing to pull hair, perform groin kicks, and gouge eyes. And in that regard, Hillary may have the edge, but don't count out McCain. He's seen enough of the real thing to last several lifetimes.
But the biggest difference between the reality of the presidential race and the made-for- T.V. reality show is how the eventual winner is picked. On "Survivor" contestants decide who wins. What if the presidential race was determined the same way? Who would the winner be? Who would the candidates pick to be Commander-in-Chief? That would be interesting indeed....
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
UFOs Over Texas
No doubt many of you have heard about the reported UFO sightings that took place near Stephenville, Texas last week. Some people reported seeing a bright cylindrical object hovering near the town, while others described a similar object flying at incredible speeds just overhead.
What could all of this mean? Well, maybe the UFOs could be aliens like the kind we saw in the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." The aliens in that show were really alien looking- bulbous heads, huge eyes, and long ganglia-type appendages- kinda like pro basketball player Sam Cassell. Who knows, maybe it was Sam Cassell? We all know how much money pro ball players make. Maybe instead of buying a Bentley, he bought a custom-made spacecraft from Europe.
But, while I'm speculating on whether these UFOs are really aliens and what they might look like, then I prefer my aliens to look like the hot female aliens you see on shows like Star Trek and all of its various iterations. After all, if the planet is going to be taken over by another race, wouldn't it be nice if they were attractive? Especially if their intention is to, um...er, propagate with the local inhabitants.
Oh sure, some of the female aliens might have faces that look like a lizard or a wildebeest or something of that nature, but if they have the body of Pamela Anderson who cares? At that point, I think a guy just has to don his beer goggles and go in for the kill!
Oops! My wife is standing over me with a club! What I meant to say was a "single" guy could swoop in for the kill! I guess us married guys will just hear about it in the locker room at the YMCA. To wit:
"Greg, who was that woman you were with last night? I couldn't quite see her from across the bar but she looked smokin'!"
"Yeah, she's got a hot body, but she has a face like a Tyrannosaurus!"
"So, what happened?"
"You wouldn't believe it. She has this really cool sled and she took me for a test drive. The next thing you know, I'm on this operating table with a bunch of lizard people standing over me!"
"Dude, I told you to stop doing those shots of Jager...!"
What could all of this mean? Well, maybe the UFOs could be aliens like the kind we saw in the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." The aliens in that show were really alien looking- bulbous heads, huge eyes, and long ganglia-type appendages- kinda like pro basketball player Sam Cassell. Who knows, maybe it was Sam Cassell? We all know how much money pro ball players make. Maybe instead of buying a Bentley, he bought a custom-made spacecraft from Europe.
But, while I'm speculating on whether these UFOs are really aliens and what they might look like, then I prefer my aliens to look like the hot female aliens you see on shows like Star Trek and all of its various iterations. After all, if the planet is going to be taken over by another race, wouldn't it be nice if they were attractive? Especially if their intention is to, um...er, propagate with the local inhabitants.
Oh sure, some of the female aliens might have faces that look like a lizard or a wildebeest or something of that nature, but if they have the body of Pamela Anderson who cares? At that point, I think a guy just has to don his beer goggles and go in for the kill!
Oops! My wife is standing over me with a club! What I meant to say was a "single" guy could swoop in for the kill! I guess us married guys will just hear about it in the locker room at the YMCA. To wit:
"Greg, who was that woman you were with last night? I couldn't quite see her from across the bar but she looked smokin'!"
"Yeah, she's got a hot body, but she has a face like a Tyrannosaurus!"
"So, what happened?"
"You wouldn't believe it. She has this really cool sled and she took me for a test drive. The next thing you know, I'm on this operating table with a bunch of lizard people standing over me!"
"Dude, I told you to stop doing those shots of Jager...!"
Thursday, January 17, 2008
America's Choice for President
O.K., we're heavily into the presidential race now. The media vultures are circling overhead waiting for the next politician to succumb so they can pick the carcass clean and move on to their next victim. One by one, the candidates will drop until the forces of natural selection whittle down the field until only the two strongest candidates remain. Or so the theory goes.
But that theory really only works for America if there's a strong pool of candidates to begin with, otherwise what we're really doing is finding the tallest pygmy in the bunch. So, today folks, I'm beginning a write-in campaign for president. This person is known throughout the world and beloved by millions. Republicans should love this choice because this person stands for everything they do: industriousness, success, power, and the embodiment of the free enterprise system. Dems would love this candidate too, because this person has donated millions of dollars to the poor and less fortunate. This candidate regularly consoles others and cries real tears (not the fake ones like Hillary's reptilian kind.)
Who is this candidate adored by the masses? Answer: Oprah Winfrey!
Now just a second, before you send the guys in the white truck to take me away, hear me out.
First, men should admire her success. She's built a fortune through hard work, determination, and chutzpah. She has an estimated net worth of $1 billion dollars! Not bad for a woman who was born to an unwed teenage mother in Mississippi and grew up in a Milwaukee ghetto. Oh, and did I mention that she was raped as a nine-year-old and gave birth at age 14 to an infant that later died? Try pulling your bootstraps up after that! She did and how.
Of course, women adore Oprah because of her sensitivity and compassion. They also love when she spontaneously gives people presents for no good reason. Hey, wouldn't it be refreshing for a president to do that? What if you came home from a long day at work and discovered a fresh fruit basket and a bottle of your favorite wine sitting on your doorstep with a note that simply said, "Have a Nice Day- You Deserve It!" Signed, President Oprah. You go girl!!
I guess the hardest part would be picking her running mate. Who would it be? Phil Donahue? Dr. Phil? Tom Cruise- ooooh, ladies can you dig it? Not to worry, though, I'm sure Oprah would pick her second in command with the same panache as she picks out floral arrangements.
I know we still have a few more excruciating months of campaign left, but when you step into the ballot box on Nov. 4th, be thinking about Ms. Winfrey as your next President!
But that theory really only works for America if there's a strong pool of candidates to begin with, otherwise what we're really doing is finding the tallest pygmy in the bunch. So, today folks, I'm beginning a write-in campaign for president. This person is known throughout the world and beloved by millions. Republicans should love this choice because this person stands for everything they do: industriousness, success, power, and the embodiment of the free enterprise system. Dems would love this candidate too, because this person has donated millions of dollars to the poor and less fortunate. This candidate regularly consoles others and cries real tears (not the fake ones like Hillary's reptilian kind.)
Who is this candidate adored by the masses? Answer: Oprah Winfrey!
Now just a second, before you send the guys in the white truck to take me away, hear me out.
First, men should admire her success. She's built a fortune through hard work, determination, and chutzpah. She has an estimated net worth of $1 billion dollars! Not bad for a woman who was born to an unwed teenage mother in Mississippi and grew up in a Milwaukee ghetto. Oh, and did I mention that she was raped as a nine-year-old and gave birth at age 14 to an infant that later died? Try pulling your bootstraps up after that! She did and how.
Of course, women adore Oprah because of her sensitivity and compassion. They also love when she spontaneously gives people presents for no good reason. Hey, wouldn't it be refreshing for a president to do that? What if you came home from a long day at work and discovered a fresh fruit basket and a bottle of your favorite wine sitting on your doorstep with a note that simply said, "Have a Nice Day- You Deserve It!" Signed, President Oprah. You go girl!!
I guess the hardest part would be picking her running mate. Who would it be? Phil Donahue? Dr. Phil? Tom Cruise- ooooh, ladies can you dig it? Not to worry, though, I'm sure Oprah would pick her second in command with the same panache as she picks out floral arrangements.
I know we still have a few more excruciating months of campaign left, but when you step into the ballot box on Nov. 4th, be thinking about Ms. Winfrey as your next President!
Monday, January 14, 2008
I hate to admit I was wrong, but......
Much as I hate to admit it, I was wrong. Whew! There, I said it. Now that I've said it you're probably wondering what I was wrong about. Well, if you ask my wife, she'd probably give you a laundry list of stuff, but I'm talking specifically about tax cuts. See, I've been trudging along all these years like a dutiful Reaganite, chanting the mantra of lower tax cuts. Let's face it nobody likes taxes, me included. I also hate the idea of wasteful spending and big government.
However, looming on the horizon are our huge entitlement programs- Medicare and Medicaid, which threaten to undermine the future of our kids and our grand kids. Our government has future financial obligations of more than $50 trillion dollars! You would hope in an election year that topic would be a primary focus, yet nobody is talking about it (with the exception of Ron Paul). We do hear a lot about universal health care which gives everyone a warm fuzzy in the short term, but will accelerate the inevitable.
In the old days, tuberculosis used to be called consumption, because it literally consumed the afflicted person from the inside out. Our country is suffering from consumption now, but who will step up in Washington to fix this problem? Who cares more about the future of our children and grandchildren than their own political futures? Who is willing to put their political neck on the line and propose tax increases and huge cuts in federal programs? Who is willing to slash and burn Medicaid and Medicare before it's too late?
I don't have an answer, but if you are interested to learn more about the impact of our runaway federal spending, check out this story posted on the Glenn Beck website:
http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/219/3776/
However, looming on the horizon are our huge entitlement programs- Medicare and Medicaid, which threaten to undermine the future of our kids and our grand kids. Our government has future financial obligations of more than $50 trillion dollars! You would hope in an election year that topic would be a primary focus, yet nobody is talking about it (with the exception of Ron Paul). We do hear a lot about universal health care which gives everyone a warm fuzzy in the short term, but will accelerate the inevitable.
In the old days, tuberculosis used to be called consumption, because it literally consumed the afflicted person from the inside out. Our country is suffering from consumption now, but who will step up in Washington to fix this problem? Who cares more about the future of our children and grandchildren than their own political futures? Who is willing to put their political neck on the line and propose tax increases and huge cuts in federal programs? Who is willing to slash and burn Medicaid and Medicare before it's too late?
I don't have an answer, but if you are interested to learn more about the impact of our runaway federal spending, check out this story posted on the Glenn Beck website:
http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/219/3776/
Friday, January 11, 2008
Snow in Baghdad
Instead of bombs falling in Baghdad, citizens there got something unexpected this morning- snow! For the first time in 5 years, the war-weary people in Iraq woke up to something other than gunfire and mortar shells exploding. According to one Associated Press report, an 80 year old woman said she had never seen snow fall in Baghdad in her lifetime. Of course, the same woman later reported that she was really The Queen of Sheba (just kidding).
I don't know if the errant snowfall is a sign from God or just another freak atmospheric disturbance, but if the end result is a day off from the killing, that's got to be a good thing. Maybe Iraqis will spend the day making snow-mullhahs instead of roadside bombs, maybe kids will run around the streets sticking their tongues out to catch snowflakes or make snow angels (do they even know about angels?)
Whatever the reason for the snow, either God or nature, let's give thanks and hope they get some more.
I don't know if the errant snowfall is a sign from God or just another freak atmospheric disturbance, but if the end result is a day off from the killing, that's got to be a good thing. Maybe Iraqis will spend the day making snow-mullhahs instead of roadside bombs, maybe kids will run around the streets sticking their tongues out to catch snowflakes or make snow angels (do they even know about angels?)
Whatever the reason for the snow, either God or nature, let's give thanks and hope they get some more.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Wanna trade a Joe Dimaggio rookie card for St. Christopher?
The other day I got to thinking about Catholic holy cards. For those of you who aren't familiar with them, holy cards are pictures of a religious nature on one side, usually a Catholic saint, with a devotional prayer on the other side. They're about the same size as a baseball card.
I was wondering who invented them and why. At first, I thought it was probably the creation of some priest who grew up in the Bronx and venerated St. Lou Gehrig and wanted a Catholic equivalent of a baseball card. I chuckled as I imagined a picture of St. Paul dressed in a Yankees uniform with a baseball bat resting on his shoulder. Instead of a prayer on the opposite side, imagine what it would've looked like with his religious statistics? You know, number of Christians he persecuted as Saul (before he became a free-agent and went over to the other team), number of Gentiles converted, etc.
My warped thinking was entirely out of context. Turns out, the earliest holy card known to exist is a woodcut of St. Christopher created in the year 1423. Going back to the baseball analogy, that would make the St. Christopher holy card, the Holy Grail of holy cards, the most coveted of all- kind of like owning a Honus Wagner or Ty Cobb baseball card. I wonder if the St. Christopher card came with a stale piece of chewing gum?
Catholic nuns were famous for handing out holy cards to kids as a reward for good behavior. I'm sure somewhere, there's a very pious man with a shoebox full of holy cards sitting in his attic. That lucky guy may not know it, but he could be sitting on a gold mine, especially if he has St. Christopher in his collection. Hey buddy, I'll trade you my Joe Dimaggio rookie card for your St. Christopher!
I was wondering who invented them and why. At first, I thought it was probably the creation of some priest who grew up in the Bronx and venerated St. Lou Gehrig and wanted a Catholic equivalent of a baseball card. I chuckled as I imagined a picture of St. Paul dressed in a Yankees uniform with a baseball bat resting on his shoulder. Instead of a prayer on the opposite side, imagine what it would've looked like with his religious statistics? You know, number of Christians he persecuted as Saul (before he became a free-agent and went over to the other team), number of Gentiles converted, etc.
My warped thinking was entirely out of context. Turns out, the earliest holy card known to exist is a woodcut of St. Christopher created in the year 1423. Going back to the baseball analogy, that would make the St. Christopher holy card, the Holy Grail of holy cards, the most coveted of all- kind of like owning a Honus Wagner or Ty Cobb baseball card. I wonder if the St. Christopher card came with a stale piece of chewing gum?
Catholic nuns were famous for handing out holy cards to kids as a reward for good behavior. I'm sure somewhere, there's a very pious man with a shoebox full of holy cards sitting in his attic. That lucky guy may not know it, but he could be sitting on a gold mine, especially if he has St. Christopher in his collection. Hey buddy, I'll trade you my Joe Dimaggio rookie card for your St. Christopher!
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