As a proud member of the male gender of the species Homo barbarius, I stand along with my barbarian brethren, and peer into the swirling abyss known as Valentine's Day. It's a date that causes even the bravest warrior to cower in fear. The female members of the species, Lovitus breakskullious, plot and plan for days, weeks and even months, preparing for Valentine's Day. They spend many hours dreaming how their beloved barbarian will shower them with gifts from far away places like Godivia and Zalestonia.
To be completely honest, we barbarians see no reason other than survival to recognize Valentine's Day. It certainly doesn't rank up there with truly revered days like Superbowl Sunday, the first day of the hunting or baseball seasons, or the NFL draft. However, even though our species is a loutish, knuckle-dragging sort, we're not completely stupid. We recognize that forgetting Valentine's Day is tantamount to sticking your head in a lion's mouth. We know that would hurt- a lot!
Thankfully, skilled merchants like Victoria's Secret, Pajamagram, Vermont Teddy Bears, and others, have created gift buying solutions that are so easy for us brutish warriors to execute that we barely have to lift a finger. Plus, it's a heckuva lot easier than dragging a Mastodon carcass halfway across a dry lake bed! Now that's work!
So, this message today is addressed to my fellow mouth-breathers: Fear not! There are many who would help you with your Valentine's Day gift. They can even make the card for you and say all kinds of things that no barbarian would ever say aloud. Heck, they'll even sign it for you- all you have to do is part with a few dollars (breakskullious uses the Benjamin as a benchmark- remember that!)
For those of you barbarians who are loath to part with your money, consider the following: breakskullians did not get their name by accident! Be forewarned.
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