America's Choice for President

O.K., we're heavily into the presidential race now. The media vultures are circling overhead waiting for the next politician to succumb so they can pick the carcass clean and move on to their next victim. One by one, the candidates will drop until the forces of natural selection whittle down the field until only the two strongest candidates remain. Or so the theory goes.

But that theory really only works for America if there's a strong pool of candidates to begin with, otherwise what we're really doing is finding the tallest pygmy in the bunch. So, today folks, I'm beginning a write-in campaign for president. This person is known throughout the world and beloved by millions. Republicans should love this choice because this person stands for everything they do: industriousness, success, power, and the embodiment of the free enterprise system. Dems would love this candidate too, because this person has donated millions of dollars to the poor and less fortunate. This candidate regularly consoles others and cries real tears (not the fake ones like Hillary's reptilian kind.)

Who is this candidate adored by the masses? Answer: Oprah Winfrey!

Now just a second, before you send the guys in the white truck to take me away, hear me out.
First, men should admire her success. She's built a fortune through hard work, determination, and chutzpah. She has an estimated net worth of $1 billion dollars! Not bad for a woman who was born to an unwed teenage mother in Mississippi and grew up in a Milwaukee ghetto. Oh, and did I mention that she was raped as a nine-year-old and gave birth at age 14 to an infant that later died? Try pulling your bootstraps up after that! She did and how.

Of course, women adore Oprah because of her sensitivity and compassion. They also love when she spontaneously gives people presents for no good reason. Hey, wouldn't it be refreshing for a president to do that? What if you came home from a long day at work and discovered a fresh fruit basket and a bottle of your favorite wine sitting on your doorstep with a note that simply said, "Have a Nice Day- You Deserve It!" Signed, President Oprah. You go girl!!

I guess the hardest part would be picking her running mate. Who would it be? Phil Donahue? Dr. Phil? Tom Cruise- ooooh, ladies can you dig it? Not to worry, though, I'm sure Oprah would pick her second in command with the same panache as she picks out floral arrangements.

I know we still have a few more excruciating months of campaign left, but when you step into the ballot box on Nov. 4th, be thinking about Ms. Winfrey as your next President!