Survivor: Super Tuesday!

We're one week away from Super Tuesday and I can't help but notice the similarity between this year's presidential campaign and the T.V. show "Survivor." On the T.V. show, contestants are split into two teams with the combatants attacking not only their opponents, but their teammates as well. Gee, does this sound like the Democrat and Republican tribes? Romney vs McCain, Hillary vs Obama, everybody vs Hillary, John Edwards vs Exxon Mobil....etc.

On the T.V. show, "Survivor" contestants form alliances, break promises, back-stab, bend the truth, scream, scold, and occasionally shed tears. Sounds a little like the primaries, huh?

It's amusing to watch Bill Clinton as he keeps trying to insert his...um...persona into the Democratic race. On second thought, scratch the last sentence. The careful writer should never combine the word "insert" with the name Bill Clinton, unless it's absolutely necessary. What I should've said is that Bill Clinton keeps trying to influence (there, that's the word I was looking for) the race by slamming Obama, but getting unintended results. Obviously Bill doesn't watch "Survivor" enough to know that tactic rarely works. Maybe Hillary should TiVo it for him.

Every season, "Survivor" boasts at least one contestant who's like the Energizer bunny-constantly on the go, fighting with great tenacity to win every contest....sound like McCain? Six months ago, he was left for dead by pollsters, the media moguls, and the Republican machine. Now look at him! I think his 95-year-old mother feeds him a Geritol, a glass of Carnation Instant breakfast, and a Viagra pill and kicks him out the door every morning to campaign, calling after him, "Sonny boy, make sure you wear a hat, don't talk to any strangers and be home in time for dinner!"

And I'm sorry, but I have to take one more pot-shot at Hillary. Didn't it appear she thought she had political "immunity" for the past 18 months? Did she think the Democratic nomination was more like her coronation or a debutante ball with cellulite? Just like the T.V. show, you can have immunity one moment and, "Poof!" it's gone! Sorry, Hillary.

As with both contests, it's easy to tell who wants it the most. On "Survivor" contestants usually have to do something really difficult or really disgusting, or both, or risk elimination. Those who perform poorly are often eliminated. Similarly, look at the political candidates who didn't go "all in" with either money or effort, i.e. Tancreado, Thompson, Kucinich, and notice their demise. The winner will be the one most willing to pull hair, perform groin kicks, and gouge eyes. And in that regard, Hillary may have the edge, but don't count out McCain. He's seen enough of the real thing to last several lifetimes.

But the biggest difference between the reality of the presidential race and the made-for- T.V. reality show is how the eventual winner is picked. On "Survivor" contestants decide who wins. What if the presidential race was determined the same way? Who would the winner be? Who would the candidates pick to be Commander-in-Chief? That would be interesting indeed....

UFOs Over Texas

No doubt many of you have heard about the reported UFO sightings that took place near Stephenville, Texas last week. Some people reported seeing a bright cylindrical object hovering near the town, while others described a similar object flying at incredible speeds just overhead.

What could all of this mean? Well, maybe the UFOs could be aliens like the kind we saw in the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." The aliens in that show were really alien looking- bulbous heads, huge eyes, and long ganglia-type appendages- kinda like pro basketball player Sam Cassell. Who knows, maybe it was Sam Cassell? We all know how much money pro ball players make. Maybe instead of buying a Bentley, he bought a custom-made spacecraft from Europe.

But, while I'm speculating on whether these UFOs are really aliens and what they might look like, then I prefer my aliens to look like the hot female aliens you see on shows like Star Trek and all of its various iterations. After all, if the planet is going to be taken over by another race, wouldn't it be nice if they were attractive? Especially if their intention is to, um...er, propagate with the local inhabitants.

Oh sure, some of the female aliens might have faces that look like a lizard or a wildebeest or something of that nature, but if they have the body of Pamela Anderson who cares? At that point, I think a guy just has to don his beer goggles and go in for the kill!

Oops! My wife is standing over me with a club! What I meant to say was a "single" guy could swoop in for the kill! I guess us married guys will just hear about it in the locker room at the YMCA. To wit:

"Greg, who was that woman you were with last night? I couldn't quite see her from across the bar but she looked smokin'!"

"Yeah, she's got a hot body, but she has a face like a Tyrannosaurus!"

"So, what happened?"

"You wouldn't believe it. She has this really cool sled and she took me for a test drive. The next thing you know, I'm on this operating table with a bunch of lizard people standing over me!"

"Dude, I told you to stop doing those shots of Jager...!"

America's Choice for President

O.K., we're heavily into the presidential race now. The media vultures are circling overhead waiting for the next politician to succumb so they can pick the carcass clean and move on to their next victim. One by one, the candidates will drop until the forces of natural selection whittle down the field until only the two strongest candidates remain. Or so the theory goes.

But that theory really only works for America if there's a strong pool of candidates to begin with, otherwise what we're really doing is finding the tallest pygmy in the bunch. So, today folks, I'm beginning a write-in campaign for president. This person is known throughout the world and beloved by millions. Republicans should love this choice because this person stands for everything they do: industriousness, success, power, and the embodiment of the free enterprise system. Dems would love this candidate too, because this person has donated millions of dollars to the poor and less fortunate. This candidate regularly consoles others and cries real tears (not the fake ones like Hillary's reptilian kind.)

Who is this candidate adored by the masses? Answer: Oprah Winfrey!

Now just a second, before you send the guys in the white truck to take me away, hear me out.
First, men should admire her success. She's built a fortune through hard work, determination, and chutzpah. She has an estimated net worth of $1 billion dollars! Not bad for a woman who was born to an unwed teenage mother in Mississippi and grew up in a Milwaukee ghetto. Oh, and did I mention that she was raped as a nine-year-old and gave birth at age 14 to an infant that later died? Try pulling your bootstraps up after that! She did and how.

Of course, women adore Oprah because of her sensitivity and compassion. They also love when she spontaneously gives people presents for no good reason. Hey, wouldn't it be refreshing for a president to do that? What if you came home from a long day at work and discovered a fresh fruit basket and a bottle of your favorite wine sitting on your doorstep with a note that simply said, "Have a Nice Day- You Deserve It!" Signed, President Oprah. You go girl!!

I guess the hardest part would be picking her running mate. Who would it be? Phil Donahue? Dr. Phil? Tom Cruise- ooooh, ladies can you dig it? Not to worry, though, I'm sure Oprah would pick her second in command with the same panache as she picks out floral arrangements.

I know we still have a few more excruciating months of campaign left, but when you step into the ballot box on Nov. 4th, be thinking about Ms. Winfrey as your next President!

I hate to admit I was wrong, but......

Much as I hate to admit it, I was wrong. Whew! There, I said it. Now that I've said it you're probably wondering what I was wrong about. Well, if you ask my wife, she'd probably give you a laundry list of stuff, but I'm talking specifically about tax cuts. See, I've been trudging along all these years like a dutiful Reaganite, chanting the mantra of lower tax cuts. Let's face it nobody likes taxes, me included. I also hate the idea of wasteful spending and big government.

However, looming on the horizon are our huge entitlement programs- Medicare and Medicaid, which threaten to undermine the future of our kids and our grand kids. Our government has future financial obligations of more than $50 trillion dollars! You would hope in an election year that topic would be a primary focus, yet nobody is talking about it (with the exception of Ron Paul). We do hear a lot about universal health care which gives everyone a warm fuzzy in the short term, but will accelerate the inevitable.

In the old days, tuberculosis used to be called consumption, because it literally consumed the afflicted person from the inside out. Our country is suffering from consumption now, but who will step up in Washington to fix this problem? Who cares more about the future of our children and grandchildren than their own political futures? Who is willing to put their political neck on the line and propose tax increases and huge cuts in federal programs? Who is willing to slash and burn Medicaid and Medicare before it's too late?

I don't have an answer, but if you are interested to learn more about the impact of our runaway federal spending, check out this story posted on the Glenn Beck website:
http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/219/3776/

Snow in Baghdad

Instead of bombs falling in Baghdad, citizens there got something unexpected this morning- snow! For the first time in 5 years, the war-weary people in Iraq woke up to something other than gunfire and mortar shells exploding. According to one Associated Press report, an 80 year old woman said she had never seen snow fall in Baghdad in her lifetime. Of course, the same woman later reported that she was really The Queen of Sheba (just kidding).

I don't know if the errant snowfall is a sign from God or just another freak atmospheric disturbance, but if the end result is a day off from the killing, that's got to be a good thing. Maybe Iraqis will spend the day making snow-mullhahs instead of roadside bombs, maybe kids will run around the streets sticking their tongues out to catch snowflakes or make snow angels (do they even know about angels?)

Whatever the reason for the snow, either God or nature, let's give thanks and hope they get some more.

Wanna trade a Joe Dimaggio rookie card for St. Christopher?

The other day I got to thinking about Catholic holy cards. For those of you who aren't familiar with them, holy cards are pictures of a religious nature on one side, usually a Catholic saint, with a devotional prayer on the other side. They're about the same size as a baseball card.

I was wondering who invented them and why. At first, I thought it was probably the creation of some priest who grew up in the Bronx and venerated St. Lou Gehrig and wanted a Catholic equivalent of a baseball card. I chuckled as I imagined a picture of St. Paul dressed in a Yankees uniform with a baseball bat resting on his shoulder. Instead of a prayer on the opposite side, imagine what it would've looked like with his religious statistics? You know, number of Christians he persecuted as Saul (before he became a free-agent and went over to the other team), number of Gentiles converted, etc.

My warped thinking was entirely out of context. Turns out, the earliest holy card known to exist is a woodcut of St. Christopher created in the year 1423. Going back to the baseball analogy, that would make the St. Christopher holy card, the Holy Grail of holy cards, the most coveted of all- kind of like owning a Honus Wagner or Ty Cobb baseball card. I wonder if the St. Christopher card came with a stale piece of chewing gum?

Catholic nuns were famous for handing out holy cards to kids as a reward for good behavior. I'm sure somewhere, there's a very pious man with a shoebox full of holy cards sitting in his attic. That lucky guy may not know it, but he could be sitting on a gold mine, especially if he has St. Christopher in his collection. Hey buddy, I'll trade you my Joe Dimaggio rookie card for your St. Christopher!