"Face it Dad, you're not cool"

In every Dad's life, there comes a moment when you suddenly discover that you are no longer cool. For some, this prescient moment comes soon after mom delivers her first child. Suddenly, Dad is transformed from a wild, unbroken stallion to a pack mule. It's pretty easy to spot. Usually, it's at a fast food joint or some other place young parents congregate. There, the cauterwaling kids scream like tortured souls while Dad looks on with a perplexed, dumbfounded look.

At this point some Dads actually realize they're not cool, especially when they notice they're surrounded by Happy Meal bags, and mothers talking about cholic and stretch marks. In reality, these Dads are self-actualized and appear quite content with their uncoolness. Walking around with dried baby puke on their shoulder seems to elevate their self-esteem to the point where it actually becomes a badge of honor. These are the lucky ones.

Sadly, many guys are so confused at this point in their lives, they can't distinguish cool from not-cool. It's similar to the fog of war. Through the choking smoke, deafening explosions, and chaos it's nearly impossible to tell friend from foe, cool from not-cool. Dads in this state can go months, even years before reality catches up to them. These guys are easy to spot too. They usually wear way too much cologne, wear T-shirts that say stupid things like "Wanted: Meaningful Overnight relationship', and drive cars that cost twice their annual salary.

Unfortunately, I have to confess I probably identify more with the latter group. Up until a few months ago I thought I was pretty cool. Until the fateful day when I was walking in public with my shirt off. A young woman, probably in her late teens or early twenties, spotted me walking toward her. As soon as she saw me she broke out in laughter, remarking to her friend, "Do you see the old fat guy with no shirt on?" At which point the two girls burst out laughing. Naturally, I like a good laugh as much as the next guy, and since I still hadn't come to terms with my uncoolness, I turned around to look. Hey, I wanted to see the old fat guy with no shirt too! You can imagine my horror at the split second I realized I was the object of laughter and ridicule.

I guess the moral of the story, Dads, is that under no circumstances are you cool (Mick, are you listening?) Maybe marriage vows should include a new line....."for richer for poorer, till cool do you part."