Surviving a Winter Wonderland

Little did I realize that between a 16 year stint in Arizona and a 4 year stopover in Houston, that I had romanticized the whole notion of winter. Mostly, I guess, because I wanted my two kids, who have never lived in a seasonal climate, to experience the wonder of winter. I wanted them to enjoy a white Christmas, to know what it's like to catch a snowflake on their tongues, and sled down a snowy hill.

Last Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, I took the kids for their first real snow sledding adventure at one of our city parks. With temps hovering around 15 F, we bravely marched through the park's ankle-high snow and up a big, tree-covered hill. I truly enjoyed watching them sled down the hill and learn certain nuances of sledding- like how to safely eject from a sled before hitting a tree. After two hours in the frozen tundra, my ears, feet, and hands were so cold, they felt like they were going to snap like a dry twig. But, I reminded myself how much the kids loved the snow, and felt comforted. That was last week.

This week, the temperatures plunged even lower and last night, with the thermometer barely above zero, I was out shoveling new-fallen snow. After 20 minutes of shoveling, I looked down the unshoveled portion of the driveway. It looked like an aircraft carrier deck, only white. But I kept shoveling, all the while reminding myself how great it was to experience winter again.

After stooping over a shovel for an hour, I finished the chore and trudged to the house like a bent-over gnome. Once inside, a frostbitten fire ignited in my hands, feet and ears, so that I temporarily forgot that I looked like Quasimoto. I plunked down in a living room chair and after blood finally broke through ice-dammed arteries to reach my frozen extremities, I came to the sudden realization that winter doesn't begin for 3 weeks. Ahh...the joys of winter...

I wonder if there are any cheap flights to Phoenix....

In God We Used to Trust

Hey Folks! Remember the good 'ole days, say a year or so ago, when all of our money proclaimed "In God We Trust"? Well don't look now, but your government is surreptiously making God (or should I say god, lowercase?) go away.

If you look closely at the newly minted gold dollar coins, nowhere will you find any reference to God, er I mean god. Please forget for a moment that no one uses gold dollar coins except for your Aunt Edna who sends your kids each a shiny dollar for their birthdays- I'm trying to make a point!

Of course, any reference to an almighty deity might "offend" some people, so in our upside- down, Paris Hilton obsessed, wrong-makes-right society, our government has chosen to remove any reference to God, er I mean god (Gee, there I go again using the "G" er, I mean "g" word!)

So, in the spirit of Political Correctness - notice that I correctly used capitalization in this case- I propose that all U.S. currency be designed with the following inscription, "In the ACLU We Trust".

Please forgive me if I've offended you.

Give Dubya some credit

By now everyone has heard about the exciting breakthrough in stem cell research. Researchers in Japan and the U.S. have discovered that it's possible to create stem cells using ordinary skin tissue. This exciting discovery would eliminate the controversial use of embryonic stem cells- something that George Bush has opposed much to the consternation of the many Americans.

Given the fact that Bush has managed to alienate a lot of folks for his position on Iraq, his policies on immigration, and even his mangling of the English language, I think you have to stop and give the Prez a few props on the stem cell issue. Other than abortion, the stem cell topic is one of the most emotionally-charged issues of our day. Bush withstood withering criticism in rejecting embryonic stem cell research and for this, I think he should be commended.

Of course, those who oppose Bush are quick to jump on the new discovery and declare that both skin cell and embryonic stem cell research should continue. Here's an excerpt from a recent Seattle Times Op-Ed piece, "The possible benefits for treating a variety of illnesses outweigh the political and religious concerns that for too long have stymied research in the U.S."

Are you kidding me? When do benefits of any kind overrule ethical consideration? I'm sorry, but even if you think George Bush is a lousy president, you have to give him credit on this one. Good job, Dubya!

Bill's Gone...Now What?

Yesterday, Nebraska's Dali Lama of the Pigskin, Tom Osborne, confirmed what everyone pretty much new was coming. Bill Callahan is out as head football coach. After four years of absolutely horrible football, it should come as no surprise.

Let's face it, Callahan never fit at Nebraska. I don't think it was his trashing of the power football, option offense to the West Coast offense, although that didn't sit well with a lot of Nebraskans. You don't have to look past the Big 12 to see the pendulum of change has swung in favor of passing offenses, witness Missouri, Kansas, Texas Tech, OSU, Colorado, the list goes on. No, it was something much deeper than that. It was as if the entire program had been stripped of its identity. Almost overnight, the vaunted Black Shirt defense morphed into the Pink Shirts. Their lack of intensity and effort was probably what defines Callahan's legacy. I think Callahan wanted to draw up his fancy offenses and leave the rest of the team to somebody else. You can't do that as a head coach. You're ultimately responsible for the entire team- not just the offense.

I have to question Callahan's judgement and toughness. His choice to start Sam Keller at QB over Joe Ganz seems pretty ridiculous at this point. But the bigger flaw, was Callahan's choice to keep Defensive Coordinator, Kevin Cosgrove. Callahan should've fired Cosgrove when it was obvious to everyone but him that Cosgrove's defense had quit playing with any intensity. Make no mistake, firing people is no fun, it's a tough job, but sometimes completely necessary. Because Callahan chose not to make a tough decision, he paid the ultimate price- he lost his job. And Cosgrove will end up losing his job too anyway.

Here's my 3 Step fix for the next NU coach:

1. Restore Blackshirt Pride. Recruit players that have a mean streak in them. I don't care if they're from California or Crete. They gotta be able to hit somebody in the mouth.
2. Restore the walk-on program. There are some tremendous athletes right at home. Let's make sure we keep them. And by keeping them, we keep the Husker fan base.
3. Humble yourself. We don't need or want any more bold promises or chest thumping. Just do your job and let the results speak for themselves.

I hope the next guy that steps into those Big Red coaching shoes, brings back a sense of honor, pride and toughness. Every little boy that plays Midget football in Nebraska grows up dreaming of playing for the Huskers. Let's keep it that way.

Barry- Take your millions and go away!

Now that Barry Bonds is facing federal charges for perjury and obstructing justice, it looks like his career is effectively over. All I can say is, "Barry, don't let the door hit you where the dog done bit you."

Some people would argue that Barry is good for the game, he draws fans, and helped elevate attention to the game when its popularity was sagging. To these folks I give a long, loud Bronx cheer.

What Barry "My Head is Larger than a Pumpkin" Bonds, Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa did to the integrity of baseball will take years if not decades to mend. It's almost like the 1919 Black Sox, er.... White Sox scandal-- on steroids. People still talk about that infamous World Series in which eight White Sox players were accused of throwing the Series against the Cincinatti Reds.

Interestingly, defendants who are brought up on federal perjury charges beat the rap in about 25% of the cases. I wonder how Bonds' "lawyuhs" will portray him. Will they continue down the road of denial- that Barry had no idea he was being given steroids?

Barry to his trainer: "Yo, hoss, why are you sticking that needle in my butt?"

Trainer to Barry: "Don't worry, Your Majesty, it's just a flu shot."

Barry: "Heck, I didn't know I was supposed to get them daily. And by the way, why is my head getting so enormous?"

Trainer: "It's just your monumental ego, Your Gravity."

Anyway, we'll see what unfolds. Maybe Barry will win the case using the racism strategy O.J.'s famous for. Or maybe we'll see those two in prison together. I can see them holding dual autograph sessions in the prison yard. Hey, now that's a photograph I'd love to have!

Democracy at any price? Not so fast...

Since 3rd grade, we've all been taught that democracy is good. Period. The word conjures up images of Washington, Lincoln and Hamilton, and powerful words like liberty and freedom. But just because you invoke the word and implement voting, doesn't mean the results will be positive: witness Germany after WWI. Hitler won elections that consolidated his power and fueled his rise to power.

Looming on the horizon is the political crisis facing Pakistan. Pres. Musharraf, a military dictator and a key ally of the United States, is facing intense pressure from Muslims intent on implementing a democratic process that would in essence, turn the reigns of power over to Bhutto. Is that really in the United States best interests, especially given the fact that Pakistan has the bomb? Of course, George Bush, going for a quick sound byte, endorsed free elections in Pakistan. After all, George went to 3rd grade too!

Memo to George Bush: Hey, George! Before you go blindly endorse another blood-bath in the name of democracy, think about the consequences. The last thing we need is another "democracy" like Iraq.

Forget about rising gas prices- beer's going up!

Hey, Homer! Don't look now, but beer prices are about to take a big jump. While rising gas and oil prices have grabbed all the headlines, beer prices are set to take a quantum leap ahead. There are several reasons for the expected increase. As an unintended consequence to "global warming" hysteria, fewer farmers are growing barley, a main ingredient in brewing beer, in favor of corn, the main source of ethanol. Plus, droughts in key barley growing areas like Australia (yes, Australia, not Austria, mate) have diminished supplies of barley.

At a time when beer sales are flat, execs at Anheiseur-Busch and Coors are fretting about how much to raise retail prices and when. The little guys- specialty and micro-brewers- are going to be among the most hard hit. Because they don't enjoy the economies of scale like the huge brewing behemoths, they're talking about big increases in retail prices just to stay in business. A local Montana favorite, Red Lodge Ale, is expected to jump from $6.79 a six-pack to $7.99! Doh!

Don't be surprised if you start seeing more advertising for sub-premium brands like Keystone, Keystone Lite, Busch, Busch Lite, etc. as brewers struggle to maintain demand.

And you thought $4.00 gas sucked! Oh the humanity....

Al Gore: The 21st century's Einstein

Al Gore the "Father of the Internet" and "Nobel Prize Winner" appears on "30 Rock", a NBC sitcom tonight. Is there anything Al can't do? Is it just a coincidence that Al Gore and "Al" Einstein share the first two letters in their names? I think not. Can you imagine what fate would befall the planet if Al Gore hadn't happened along at this precise moment in time? I shudder to think about it.

If you watch NBC sitcom "30 Rock" please remember that Al Gore is not only an accomplished scientist and inventor, he's also a darn fine comedian. So, along with Albert Einstein, Al Gore should be remembered with other luminaries like Ed Sullivan and Chuck Barris. I wonder if there's room on Al's mantle for a "Best Guest Actor in a Comedic Performance" Emmy?

"Face it Dad, you're not cool"

In every Dad's life, there comes a moment when you suddenly discover that you are no longer cool. For some, this prescient moment comes soon after mom delivers her first child. Suddenly, Dad is transformed from a wild, unbroken stallion to a pack mule. It's pretty easy to spot. Usually, it's at a fast food joint or some other place young parents congregate. There, the cauterwaling kids scream like tortured souls while Dad looks on with a perplexed, dumbfounded look.

At this point some Dads actually realize they're not cool, especially when they notice they're surrounded by Happy Meal bags, and mothers talking about cholic and stretch marks. In reality, these Dads are self-actualized and appear quite content with their uncoolness. Walking around with dried baby puke on their shoulder seems to elevate their self-esteem to the point where it actually becomes a badge of honor. These are the lucky ones.

Sadly, many guys are so confused at this point in their lives, they can't distinguish cool from not-cool. It's similar to the fog of war. Through the choking smoke, deafening explosions, and chaos it's nearly impossible to tell friend from foe, cool from not-cool. Dads in this state can go months, even years before reality catches up to them. These guys are easy to spot too. They usually wear way too much cologne, wear T-shirts that say stupid things like "Wanted: Meaningful Overnight relationship', and drive cars that cost twice their annual salary.

Unfortunately, I have to confess I probably identify more with the latter group. Up until a few months ago I thought I was pretty cool. Until the fateful day when I was walking in public with my shirt off. A young woman, probably in her late teens or early twenties, spotted me walking toward her. As soon as she saw me she broke out in laughter, remarking to her friend, "Do you see the old fat guy with no shirt on?" At which point the two girls burst out laughing. Naturally, I like a good laugh as much as the next guy, and since I still hadn't come to terms with my uncoolness, I turned around to look. Hey, I wanted to see the old fat guy with no shirt too! You can imagine my horror at the split second I realized I was the object of laughter and ridicule.

I guess the moral of the story, Dads, is that under no circumstances are you cool (Mick, are you listening?) Maybe marriage vows should include a new line....."for richer for poorer, till cool do you part."

A New Generation of McDonald's Workers

Have you been to any fast-food establishments lately? If you look closely at the staff, you'll probably notice a preponderance of Hispanics working, especially if you live in the Southwest or SouthEast, United States. The same holds true for the hotel and construction industries. Of course, a large percentage of these employees are "undocumented workers" i.e. illegal aliens. Can we please acknowledge the elephant in the room?

For a variety of reasons, many people would like these illegal aliens to return home, but fear that this would create a huge economic void. They worry their lawns will go unmowed, their beds unmade, and their burgers unflipped. Business owners worry their cheap source of labor will vanish.

Relax! A recent study conducted by the Department of Education found that 31% of high school students in our country's 100 largest public school districts will either drop out of high school or fail to graduate. So there you have it, go ahead and send the illegals packing, it looks like we'll have plenty of people to flip burgers at McDonald's, make beds at the Hilton, or pound nails for Pulte homes!

Lance's New Conquest

By now most of you have heard the earth-shattering news. No, California didn't fall into the ocean- yet. No, I'm talking about the news that Lance Armstrong, King of the Tour de France, is being romantically linked with Ashley Olsen, former star of the TV show "Full House" and current model for the Dixon-Ticondergo #2 pencil.

Apparently, the two love-birds were seen "making out" at a hotel bar in NYC. O.K., Ashley Olsen I can give a pass to since she's barely removed from junior high. But Lance, c'mon, I'm thinking if you're 36 years old and "making out" with girls half your age in public that there maybe some truth to the blood doping allegations. As in, the dope went straight to your brain. C'mon Lance- grow up!

Lance, if you're listening, I can concede that once you won the Tour de France 10 or twenty times and beat cancer, things might be a little dull. Maybe you need a new challenge- a real challenge. A new direction. Yeah, that's it...a little direction.

I got it! You should form your own band! you could be the lead singer and your girlfriends- Ashley, Tory Burch, and Sheryl Crow could be your back-up singers!

Picture this, Lance: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for "Lance Armstrong and the Kindling!"

Gotta admit, it's gotta nice ring to it, huh?

What Now?

Today's Rant:

Nebraska Football. Nebraskans have dealt with losing before. If you talk to a Nebraska geezer, he can tell you about the pre-Devaney period (which was about as long ago as the Jurassic period). In those days, when the Earth was much younger, Nebraska's football program stumbled and bumbled through losing season after losing season. Coached by such luminaries as Bill Jennings, Pete Elliott, and George Clark, the Huskers posted losing season after losing season. They even had a head coach named Adolf. Adolf? Are you kidding me? Anyway, it looked like Nebraska's football program would wallow into extinction along with other members of the Jurassic period.

Then came Bob Devaney. This guy looked like Mr. PotatoHead's brother, but it was easy to look past that given his glossy .829 winning percentage. He led the Huskers to their first NCAA national championship in 1971. Following on Devaney's heels, Tom Osborne added 3 more national titles and ended up 5th on the all-time carreer winning percentage list ahead of guys like Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden. Not bad for a man that considers a smile an emotional breakdown!

Even though Frank Solich never lived up to the legendary status of Devaney and Osborne, his teams played hard and enjoyed some measure of success. Can you remember Solich's final year as head coach? That team posted a record of 9-3. Unfortunately for Frank, "Can't Win the Big One" was a label he just couldn't shake which is ironic since that's the title Tom Osborne was saddled with for years when he couldn't defeat Barry Switzer's OU Sooners.

Enter Bill Callahan. Or probably more accurately- Steve Pederson, who was recently fired as Nebraska's Athletic Director. Steve's the rocket scientist who boasted how he was going to return Nebraska back to the days of glory. That guy had more swagger than a drunken sailor on a weekend shore leave. It was his decision to hire Callahan, who was just coming off being fired by the Oakland Raiders.

The rest is history. Nebraska's program is in a tailspin, even with the return of Tom Osborne as interim AD. I've heard that recruits are bailing out on almost a daily basis. Listening to Callahan(see video clip below)- reminds me of the guy in "Animal House" who frantically screams, "All is well!" while John Belushi and his crazy frat bothers terrorize the parade. Well, Bill, all is not well in Huskerland. Hey, Coach Osborne! If you can't coax Bo Pelini into taking the head coaching job, would you consider coaching a few more years? Did you see Joe Paterno at the pep-rally before the Ohio State game? Jopa looked like he was having a great time. That could be you- think about it!