To Protect and Serve...

Some people know from a very early point in their lives exactly want they want to be. It's as if a Divine messenger lands on their shoulder and whispers to them exactly what they are supposed to do with their lives. Doctor. Lawyer. Garbage man...it doesn't matter. Then, there are people like me that wander through life waiting for that whisper to come. Today, after 48 years, the my whisper finally arrived.

I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife and kids. I looked across the table at my son- the 12-year-old. He was dipping his napkin in A-1 sauce and sucking on it. Then it happened. Without warning, I heard a voice speaking softly, but very distinctly, to me. The voice said, "You are a dinner policeman."

I looked around to see who was speaking to me, but there was just the four of us- me, wife, daughter, A-1 napkin sucking son.

I asked my wife, "Did you hear that?"

She responded, "Hear what?"

Then I knew. That voice was only for me to hear (it's kind of like your dog or cat. You know how they stare or respond to objects or things not apparent to the rest of us? They hear things too.)

At any rate, it was then that I received my calling, achieved Nirvana, and reached Maslow's 5th level of self-actualization.

With my newfound purpose and singular vision, I sprang into action. As any good law enforcement officer would do, I quickly assessed the situation. While the offense committed by the young deliquent was eggregious, deadly force was not necessary. And while I contemplated use of a taser as a second course of action, I quickly dismissed this idea (especially given the fact that I don't own a one.)

I concluded that the dinner policeman's most effective weapon- the withering glare- was both appropriate and justified. I turned toward my son, lowered my chin, and hit him full force with the withering glare. The effect was immediate. Abruptly, the napkin sucking stopped. He immediately withdrew the napkin from his pursed lips and cast his eyes downward. In that moment, I knew that I correctly chose the right course of action.

It's in moments like those that you know you're in your element. Michael Jordan probably felt the same on his way to a slam-dunk. It feels right- just do it.

After restoring law and order at the table, I looked around, and feeling that special feeling only the righteous man feels, I proclaimed, "Pass the mashed potatoes!"