If it's January, it must be time to lose weight!

Here we are, the last day of the year, and I find myself in a predictable pattern of behavior. After wading through countless trays of Christmas goodies, consuming vast quantities of adult beverages, not exercising, and doing my best impersonation of Homer Simpson, I stand on the precipice of 2008 roughly 20 lbs. overweight.

It's not like I haven't been down this road before, but in the past, I've been able to easily lose 10-20 lbs. in a matter of a few weeks. Last year was different. It's like a switch went off inside my body that prevented me from losing the 10 lbs. I gained the year prior. So, I went through all of 2007 ten lbs. overweight until I hit Thanksgiving. From that point to now, I've basically added about a half pound of blubber per day.

My main reason for wanting to get rid of the extra 20 lbs. is not for vanity's sake, but for the sake of my wallet. After looking through my closet, I realized I only have 3 pairs of pants that fit. The other 10 or 12 pairs now belong to a subset of my wardrobe that might be called upon in the future to serve again. It's kind of like the Army reserves, but with no pay. Women generally refer to this subset of the wardrobe as their "skinny" wardrobe. Interestingly, the other subset is not referred to as "fat" or "overweight" rather it's given the inocuous title of "regular."

Now that my "skinny" wardrobe represents about 80% of my total wardrobe, it's time for action. I'm determined to lose the 20 lbs. and win back the rest of my clothes. It's either that, or spend hundreds of dollars adding to my "regular" wardrobe which I'm loathe to do.

I wonder if I can lose 20 lbs. by switching from "regular" beer to Lite?

OK all of you hard-bitten Republicans out there, it's time for you to give it up for (drumroll, please) Democratic Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts! Why would you applaud Lurch, er, I mean, Sen. Kerry? Well, it seems the esteemed Sen. Kerry recently penned a letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell petitioning him to have the upcoming New England Patriots game broadcast on regular TV. For those of you who don't follow sports closely, New England is one victory away from the first undefeated pro football season in over 30 years. Millions of people will be glued to their set to watch the outcome. If you still don't understand why this matters, read no further, this Bud's definitely not for you!

Apparently Mr. Kerry's missive must've had some impact since Mr. Commissioner has acquiesced and agreed to put Saturday's game between the Patriots and the NY Giants on both NBC and CBS. Now, that's a politician with clout!

Now, let's see if Mr. Kerry can take it one step further and propose an amendment to The Constitution that requires all NFL games to be broadcast on free TV. The NFL network is an abomination to our liberty and an affront to all freedom-loving Americans.

If Mr. Kerry can accomplish this feat, he'll definitely get my write-in vote for Prez come November!

As if we didn't have enough reminders that we are getting older, here's another one: Led Zeppelin recently reunited for a benefit concert in London. If you haven't seen any of the videos from the concert, you should check them out- just click on the pics to the right.

Although it was a little shocking to see Jimmy Page with shock white hair, he'd probably be equally shocked at my appearance (that is, if he knew what I looked like 30 years ago.) Oh sure, I still have the 6-pack abs, unfortunately they were acquired from consumption of too many 6-packs, and not enough Tai-Bo exercises (my apologies to Billy Blanks.)

With his graying beard and long hair, Robert Plant looks like he just came into town on a boxcar. Come to think of it, he looked that way in '72, so not much has changed other than the fact that he can't hit the high notes anymore. To be fair, I can't hit the high notes either, except when the monthly American Express bill arrives in the mail!

To be brutally honest, I can't hit the middle to low range notes either, however, one time I did manage to sing an amazing rendition of Zep's "Whole Lotta Love" in the shower. By amazing, I don't necessarily mean good, since the end result of my singing was a knock on the door by The Police (local law enforcement, not the band.) Apparently a neighbor heard my cater-walling and thought someone was being bludgeoned to death. Ouch!

The point to all of this is that there is no point. Good music is still good music no matter what your age. Sure, your drug of choice may now be Alleve, but one thing's for sure- The Song Remains the Same!

An Oasis in the Desert

I'd like to plug a very unique vacation destination nestled in the heart of the metro Phoenix area. No, it's not another one of those 5 star resorts that offers you 24-hour room service, bed linens fabricated from gossamer wings, or the latest masseuse who is only too happy to treat you to the latest in Serb-Bosnian, laser-enhanced stone massage- at $5oo an hour! Actually, at this vacation destination, you won't find any of those luxuries; in fact, you won't find any luxuries at all! Not only will you not find any luxuries, you won't find any TVs or phones in the rooms either!

I'm not talking about Sheriff Joe's tent city, where you dress in pink jump suits, eat baloney sandwiches and work a chain gang during the day. No,this place is a latter-day Garden of Eden, a spiritual oasis in the desert, a Shangri La for the soul. I'm talking about the Franciscan Renewal Center, also known as "The Casa".

Now before you all start scoffing at the idea of spending a vacation at a Catholic retreat center, let me ask you this: what is it you truly want out of a vacation? If your answer is show girls, roulette wheels, and a performance by the Blue Man Group, then The Casa is probably not for you. On the other hand, if you are searching for a pause in the helter-skelter, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses society we live in, The Casa may be the best vacation you ever book.

The Casa offers a wide range of programs to Catholics and non-Catholics alike, ranging from spiritual retreats that explore our relationship with God and each other, fun activities like T'ai Chi and Qigong, or even the Art of Breathing and Healing (and you thought you knew that already!) They even have a 60-ft. swimming pool for you to enjoy!

How many times have you returned from a vacation and said something like, "I'm exhausted", "we were on the go the whole time" or "I needed a vacation from my vacation." Often times what we really need from a vacation is rest and renewal, a sanctuary from the craziness of everyday life. The Casa can offer that to you.

The next time you're feeling overwhelmed by life's troubles and challenges, or you just want some good, old-fashioned peace and quiet, consider The Casa- the Oasis in the Desert. You can contact The Casa at: 5802 E. Lincoln Drive, (480) 948-7460, http://www.thecasa.org/. They'll leave the light on for you! Peace out...

In Praise of Cookies!

My friends, we are gathered here today to laud the noblest of all food groups- the cookie! If you accept the theory that children are wise beyond their years, you'll note they have correctly identified the cookie as the most important food group despite sidelong glances by dietitians and other curmudgeons.

Consider this- cookies have been around a long time, almost 3,000 years! The ancient Persians (now called Iranians) are credited as having invented the sugar cookie. Oh sure, the Iranians want to blow us all to Kingdom come (if you listen to their President), but they make a dang fine dessert. Come to think of it, our President wants to blow them all to Kingdom come too. How about this? Why don't we arrange a boxing match between our Prez and theirs? You know, one of those cage matches where the loser has to leave town? I'm not real confident about our Prez on some issues, but I'll tell you what, I think he'd grab that little Iranian weasel by the polyester lapels and give him a good old-fashioned, Texas-style, butt whomping. We could all sit by and eat Oreos, drink milk, and cheer on the good old USA! Now that's team spirit!

But, I digress, this whole blog is supposed to be about the cookie. Alarmingly, the politically correct group amidst us has labeled this delicious creation as some sort of evil foisted upon an easily-duped society by the slick Ad men of Madison Avenue along with their accomplices at Keebler. What nonsense! Everyone knows there is no such thing as an evil elf! These do-gooding, but misguided wonks would have you believe that cookies are responsible for diabetes, hypertension, and the fact that Johnny can't read. Rubbish!

Even Piltdown man would've had enough gray matter to realize that cookies are as important to us as fire. Surely, if he would've discovered the correct ingredients and formulation, there might be a Piltdown University or Piltdown City or something grand of that magnitude. But, alas, Piltdown man was nothing more than a hoax, just like the hoax that's perpetrated on all of us by the food police in the media who want to legislate the cookie right out of our hands!

To them I say this- give me cookies, or give me death!

Making Sense out of the Unthinkable

By all accounts, Gary Scharf was a great guy. His ex-wife Kim, called him, "my Dudley-do-right." He recently helped a single mom start her car, then delivered a package of groceries and blankets to her doorstep. That's the kind of guy he was- always helping others. Sadly, Gary Scharf's life ended suddenly in a hail of bullets at the Omaha Westroad's mall, the victim of yet another senseless killing spree by a distraught man.

There is no single explanation for this horrible act. You can attribute it to the killer's broken home life, his use of drugs, his history of mental illness, the easy access to a highly lethal weapon, etc., but I think these murders, like those in Columbine and Virginia Tech, underscore a real problem in this society.

The main tenants of the Judeo-Christian religions revolve around love. When a society turns its back on these immutable tenants in favor of hedonism and narcissism, only bad things can result. I view the shootings in Omaha as a canary in a coal mine with regards to the spiritual health of our country. Right now, I'd say the patient is very ill.

To be honest, I can't understand why God would allow such a terrible thing as these horrible killings, but I guess you can say that about any tragedy. And maybe that's the whole point of faith- to believe in God, believe there's goodness in the world, and to hold on to the idea that
in the end love will prevail over evil.

In the meantime, we should all make a point to say "I love you" to our friends and family, forgive past grievances, and enjoy every day we have on Earth. I hope Gary Scharf's family, as well as the other victim's families, can take refuge in the message of Christmas.

Profound Thoughts on TV Viewing

T.V. is funny. No, I don't mean T.V.shows per se. I don't really see much anymore that makes me laugh. I mean the phenomena of watching T.V. and all that surrounds it.

For instance, when I was a kid all the T.V.s were pretty much the same size- right around 21" or so. I don't remember watching Gilligan's Island, Carol Burnett, or Mary Tyler Moore, thinking, "Gosh, this would be funny if only the T.V. was bigger!" But, in the name of progress, T.V. size has grown...and grown...and grown. Now, somehow you are a labeled a loser or a social pariah if you don't own at least a 56" Wide Screen Plasma, Hi-Def, Surround Sound, television. Ironically, the quality of T.V. programming is inversely proportional to the size of the today's T.V. screens.

And today's programming? Fuhget about it! You can't even sit down and try to watch a sporting event with your kids without being bombarded with pharma ads like Viagra, Cialis and Trojan. Memo to the CEO of Pfizer: I really like football, but I don't want my nine-year-old asking me if I've ever had an erection that lasted more than 4 hours! (By the way, I haven't, thanks for asking.) Do you think adults could find out about these wonderful products in a different medium that's not so available to children?

Funny thing is, I walk around for hours searching vainly for our missing T.V. remote just so I can change the channel on the T.V. that's ten feet from me. Thirty years ago I would've walked 10 feet and manually turned the dial (remember dials, all you geezers?) I bet if I added up all the time I've spent in the last ten years searching for a T.V. remote, messing with the programming, pulling my hair out trying to figure out how it works, etc., I could've written a novel, cured cancer, or invented something like a Ginsu knife.

Ironically, during these sometimes lengthy T.V. remote scavenger hunts, my blood pressure probably goes up 30 points. Then, when I finally manage to find the dang thing and turn the channel, there's a commercial on for controlling hypertension! Now that's progress!! Grrrr.....

To Protect and Serve...

Some people know from a very early point in their lives exactly want they want to be. It's as if a Divine messenger lands on their shoulder and whispers to them exactly what they are supposed to do with their lives. Doctor. Lawyer. Garbage man...it doesn't matter. Then, there are people like me that wander through life waiting for that whisper to come. Today, after 48 years, the my whisper finally arrived.

I was sitting at the dinner table with my wife and kids. I looked across the table at my son- the 12-year-old. He was dipping his napkin in A-1 sauce and sucking on it. Then it happened. Without warning, I heard a voice speaking softly, but very distinctly, to me. The voice said, "You are a dinner policeman."

I looked around to see who was speaking to me, but there was just the four of us- me, wife, daughter, A-1 napkin sucking son.

I asked my wife, "Did you hear that?"

She responded, "Hear what?"

Then I knew. That voice was only for me to hear (it's kind of like your dog or cat. You know how they stare or respond to objects or things not apparent to the rest of us? They hear things too.)

At any rate, it was then that I received my calling, achieved Nirvana, and reached Maslow's 5th level of self-actualization.

With my newfound purpose and singular vision, I sprang into action. As any good law enforcement officer would do, I quickly assessed the situation. While the offense committed by the young deliquent was eggregious, deadly force was not necessary. And while I contemplated use of a taser as a second course of action, I quickly dismissed this idea (especially given the fact that I don't own a one.)

I concluded that the dinner policeman's most effective weapon- the withering glare- was both appropriate and justified. I turned toward my son, lowered my chin, and hit him full force with the withering glare. The effect was immediate. Abruptly, the napkin sucking stopped. He immediately withdrew the napkin from his pursed lips and cast his eyes downward. In that moment, I knew that I correctly chose the right course of action.

It's in moments like those that you know you're in your element. Michael Jordan probably felt the same on his way to a slam-dunk. It feels right- just do it.

After restoring law and order at the table, I looked around, and feeling that special feeling only the righteous man feels, I proclaimed, "Pass the mashed potatoes!"