Survivor: Super Tuesday!

We're one week away from Super Tuesday and I can't help but notice the similarity between this year's presidential campaign and the T.V. show "Survivor." On the T.V. show, contestants are split into two teams with the combatants attacking not only their opponents, but their teammates as well. Gee, does this sound like the Democrat and Republican tribes? Romney vs McCain, Hillary vs Obama, everybody vs Hillary, John Edwards vs Exxon Mobil....etc.

On the T.V. show, "Survivor" contestants form alliances, break promises, back-stab, bend the truth, scream, scold, and occasionally shed tears. Sounds a little like the primaries, huh?

It's amusing to watch Bill Clinton as he keeps trying to insert his...um...persona into the Democratic race. On second thought, scratch the last sentence. The careful writer should never combine the word "insert" with the name Bill Clinton, unless it's absolutely necessary. What I should've said is that Bill Clinton keeps trying to influence (there, that's the word I was looking for) the race by slamming Obama, but getting unintended results. Obviously Bill doesn't watch "Survivor" enough to know that tactic rarely works. Maybe Hillary should TiVo it for him.

Every season, "Survivor" boasts at least one contestant who's like the Energizer bunny-constantly on the go, fighting with great tenacity to win every contest....sound like McCain? Six months ago, he was left for dead by pollsters, the media moguls, and the Republican machine. Now look at him! I think his 95-year-old mother feeds him a Geritol, a glass of Carnation Instant breakfast, and a Viagra pill and kicks him out the door every morning to campaign, calling after him, "Sonny boy, make sure you wear a hat, don't talk to any strangers and be home in time for dinner!"

And I'm sorry, but I have to take one more pot-shot at Hillary. Didn't it appear she thought she had political "immunity" for the past 18 months? Did she think the Democratic nomination was more like her coronation or a debutante ball with cellulite? Just like the T.V. show, you can have immunity one moment and, "Poof!" it's gone! Sorry, Hillary.

As with both contests, it's easy to tell who wants it the most. On "Survivor" contestants usually have to do something really difficult or really disgusting, or both, or risk elimination. Those who perform poorly are often eliminated. Similarly, look at the political candidates who didn't go "all in" with either money or effort, i.e. Tancreado, Thompson, Kucinich, and notice their demise. The winner will be the one most willing to pull hair, perform groin kicks, and gouge eyes. And in that regard, Hillary may have the edge, but don't count out McCain. He's seen enough of the real thing to last several lifetimes.

But the biggest difference between the reality of the presidential race and the made-for- T.V. reality show is how the eventual winner is picked. On "Survivor" contestants decide who wins. What if the presidential race was determined the same way? Who would the winner be? Who would the candidates pick to be Commander-in-Chief? That would be interesting indeed....

UFOs Over Texas

No doubt many of you have heard about the reported UFO sightings that took place near Stephenville, Texas last week. Some people reported seeing a bright cylindrical object hovering near the town, while others described a similar object flying at incredible speeds just overhead.

What could all of this mean? Well, maybe the UFOs could be aliens like the kind we saw in the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." The aliens in that show were really alien looking- bulbous heads, huge eyes, and long ganglia-type appendages- kinda like pro basketball player Sam Cassell. Who knows, maybe it was Sam Cassell? We all know how much money pro ball players make. Maybe instead of buying a Bentley, he bought a custom-made spacecraft from Europe.

But, while I'm speculating on whether these UFOs are really aliens and what they might look like, then I prefer my aliens to look like the hot female aliens you see on shows like Star Trek and all of its various iterations. After all, if the planet is going to be taken over by another race, wouldn't it be nice if they were attractive? Especially if their intention is to, um...er, propagate with the local inhabitants.

Oh sure, some of the female aliens might have faces that look like a lizard or a wildebeest or something of that nature, but if they have the body of Pamela Anderson who cares? At that point, I think a guy just has to don his beer goggles and go in for the kill!

Oops! My wife is standing over me with a club! What I meant to say was a "single" guy could swoop in for the kill! I guess us married guys will just hear about it in the locker room at the YMCA. To wit:

"Greg, who was that woman you were with last night? I couldn't quite see her from across the bar but she looked smokin'!"

"Yeah, she's got a hot body, but she has a face like a Tyrannosaurus!"

"So, what happened?"

"You wouldn't believe it. She has this really cool sled and she took me for a test drive. The next thing you know, I'm on this operating table with a bunch of lizard people standing over me!"

"Dude, I told you to stop doing those shots of Jager...!"

America's Choice for President

O.K., we're heavily into the presidential race now. The media vultures are circling overhead waiting for the next politician to succumb so they can pick the carcass clean and move on to their next victim. One by one, the candidates will drop until the forces of natural selection whittle down the field until only the two strongest candidates remain. Or so the theory goes.

But that theory really only works for America if there's a strong pool of candidates to begin with, otherwise what we're really doing is finding the tallest pygmy in the bunch. So, today folks, I'm beginning a write-in campaign for president. This person is known throughout the world and beloved by millions. Republicans should love this choice because this person stands for everything they do: industriousness, success, power, and the embodiment of the free enterprise system. Dems would love this candidate too, because this person has donated millions of dollars to the poor and less fortunate. This candidate regularly consoles others and cries real tears (not the fake ones like Hillary's reptilian kind.)

Who is this candidate adored by the masses? Answer: Oprah Winfrey!

Now just a second, before you send the guys in the white truck to take me away, hear me out.
First, men should admire her success. She's built a fortune through hard work, determination, and chutzpah. She has an estimated net worth of $1 billion dollars! Not bad for a woman who was born to an unwed teenage mother in Mississippi and grew up in a Milwaukee ghetto. Oh, and did I mention that she was raped as a nine-year-old and gave birth at age 14 to an infant that later died? Try pulling your bootstraps up after that! She did and how.

Of course, women adore Oprah because of her sensitivity and compassion. They also love when she spontaneously gives people presents for no good reason. Hey, wouldn't it be refreshing for a president to do that? What if you came home from a long day at work and discovered a fresh fruit basket and a bottle of your favorite wine sitting on your doorstep with a note that simply said, "Have a Nice Day- You Deserve It!" Signed, President Oprah. You go girl!!

I guess the hardest part would be picking her running mate. Who would it be? Phil Donahue? Dr. Phil? Tom Cruise- ooooh, ladies can you dig it? Not to worry, though, I'm sure Oprah would pick her second in command with the same panache as she picks out floral arrangements.

I know we still have a few more excruciating months of campaign left, but when you step into the ballot box on Nov. 4th, be thinking about Ms. Winfrey as your next President!